Reflection...

As an only child, I've always been used to entertaining myself, and as a result, I'm very comfortable in my own company; too comfortable in fact. Don't get me wrong, I'm a very sociable person, I love to be around people, but I know that I need at least 1 hour a day where I have my own space. That space doesn't have to very big, in fact it can be the size of a broom cupboard, as long as I'm the only one in it for that 1 hour, I'm all good.*

*This extends to cockroaches and mosquitos of course, they are not allowed to enter my broom cupboard for .....ETERNITY!

 However, what I have realised is that there seems to be a very narrow time window between benefiting from having my own space, to driving myself a little bit crazy.

I know that in previous posts, I have eluded to the fact that I spent too much time on my own in Italy. At the time, I knew that this was not having the most positive affect on my life, but it wasn't until I came to Sint Maarten, that I have realised how much of an effect this time alone actually had and is still having. I often think that it is difficult to be truly introspective, and to have an accurate idea of any effects until you gain an objective view from an outside party. Now my boyfriend at the time had expressed that he thought that I was depressed, and at the time, I couldn't recognise this; not in the slightest. The symptoms of what I was feeling seemed very different to any low periods that I had experienced in my life before. I didn't have any trouble sleeping (apart from my very self-publicised battle with the dreaded heat and odd mosquito) nor did I have issues getting out of bed, which is always another sign that I am aware of....

 However, I have noticed one thing. Photography is something I'm passionate about. Thinking about concepts, the shoot process and the post-processing is something that makes me so happy, I can't explain it. I've not found anything else in my life that gives such satisfaction and joy (apart from the obvious of course, love etc), so when I find that I don't feel compelled to pick up my beloved camera, I don't feel inspired to think about concepts or to go and take photos; I know that something is up! Some people could call it photoblock!

 During my time in Italy and Sint Maarten, I have taken very few photos, very few, I would go so far as to say "ridiculously few", but then I'm also prone to a bit of exaggeration as you are probably already aware of. However, I think one of the most accurate views comes from someone who knew you from before. One of my good friends last week told me that when she came to visit me in Italy, she had noticed that apart from losing a lot of weight (yes I was living in Italy and yes I did lose weight, how is this possible I hear you cry!), I was "not myself' and didn't seem totally happy. As we all know, when you are in that frame of mind, you don't make great decisions, in fact you can make downright awful ones, based on a rather skewed mind. Things that seem like important things at the time, you begin to realise, really aren't.

I have 7 days now until I return to London. The first week here in Sint Maarten I learned a lot about magazine shoots, putting together quotes, negotiating with the client and how to hold a tripod successfully whilst standing in a swimming pool. The last 3 weeks I have spent reading a lot about photography and teaching myself a lot on photoshop and post-processing. I really have read so much during this time, that I now have big square eyes...a very attractive look.

 However, this time has also confirmed for me a number of things, and I finally can say that I know what things and which people are important to me and those that aren't. This realisation only took 38 years!! So, I'm going to be returning to London with a suitcase and a head full of ideas and goals. I really do hope that Air France don't lose my luggage again, but at least the ideas and goals are placed firmly in my head, so the only person to blame for losing my head will be me...

So, with all experiences in life, you have to take home at least one thing, but as I'm the queen of overkill, I've provided a short list of the things I have learnt over the past 6 months, in order of importance:

a) For me, too much time on your own is not a good thing unless you wish to flirt with the experience of having a crazy mind. Always dangerous if you already are a bit nuts (some call it creative, but to me it often comes hand in hand)

b) As friendly as you are, and not matter how easily you make friends, mosquitos will never be your friend. Accept it, and move on..

c) If its 40 degree outside , you are going to sweat, looking sexy and attractive is not an option. Accept it, and again, move on...

d) Often the people that you have only known for 5 minutes can have more of an impact on your life than those you have know for 5 years. People will continue to surprise you.

e) As good as it is to be spontaneous in many things in life, grab life by it's hairy balls, experience as much as you can, and take a chance. There are some things that require more time and consideration, so you won't lose anything by testing the water with your big hairy toe first, before throwing your body in the deep end.

f) Nobody's perfect, at least of all me. Focus on the positives of others, and try not to pay too much attention to their negatives. Note: If you possess a mental tickbox of your requirements in another person, throw it away. No-one will tick all of those boxes, believe me!

g) I hate mosquitos...(maybe this one should be at the top of the list)

Good day for now!

Big love to all xxxx