Back to work!

So I'm back in the world of work, and I have to say that I much prefer swanning around Italy living the 'life of riley' feeling all smug. I was worried that my transition to the work would not be seamless, and that I had forgotten how to work. However, my friends had reassured me that it would all come flooding back to me, and it has. Like a tidal wave, on it's path of pure destruction...

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be earning money again, and, I have a lovely window seat in the office now, as opposed to the felt covered -Berlin wall that previously used to greet me every morning in the office. However, this seat comes with a price, and the price is potential pregnancy. You see, all of the women that have sat in this seat recently have become pregnant. Upon receipt of this information, the inquisitive side of me appeared and I took swift action by looking under the seat for any incriminating evidence in the form of a very small man. Fortunately, no small man was found lurking under my seat ready to pounce, so the mystery continues for the meantime at least, but I will get to the bottom of this...

Anyway, I have a wonderful 2 hour 15 minute commute to work filled with many non-events to keep me visually stimulated. The prize for the non-event for the week has to go to the man who got his nose stuck in the closing tube doors, with a close runner-up prize going to the old lady who did a non-consensual pole dance when the driver was a bit too over-zealous with the breaks. I've also made a general observation that 'Deep Heat' is being used as the cologne/pheromone of choice for my commuters these days, that along with the eclectic fragrance of moth-balls for some women. 

Aside from work, I've been keeping myself busy with upcoming photography and film projects, so hopefully you will get to see the fruits of my labour in the the year, but only if I deem it worthy for your eyes of course!

I don't usually post music on this blog, but I'm loving this tune right now, it puts me in the "mood for love" which is a bit much for a Monday night, but there you go! Enjoy!

xx

Back in the room

BACK IN THE ROOM

So I think I can safely say that I'm now 'back in the room'. I've purchased some superglue from the local 99p shop, and I have successfully glued back the pieces of the broken heart I had. I wasn't sure if 'GloyGum'* would do the trick on this occasion, so I made sure that I bought some of the really strong stuff. The stuff that has the added bonus of getting you high at the same time. Of course I'm not condoning glue-sniffing of course, as not only is it dangerous, it is so 1985...

*for anyone who doesn't remember Gloygum, this 'glue' (if you can call it that) was imposed on us in primary school and was pretty useless at even sticking two pieces of paper together.

EYES WIDE OPEN

Yesterday me and my two friends from Bologna took a guided tour of the street art in East London with our rather handsome and charming guide. If you are interested in street art I would definitely recommend this walk! The only drawback to the tour was the incessant rain! After 4 hours I had more water swishing inside my boots than can be found in the River Thames. However I was amazed that despite living in East London for the past few years, I hadn't noticed exactly how much amazing street art I was surrounded by. It goes to show how you can walk around with your eyes closed. Well my eyes have definitely been prised back open, in more ways than one. They are well and truly open for business...

SHOOTS

So I've been spending a lot of my time working on my next project which I will be shooting on the 9th December. It will be one of the first times that I actually shoot a short film based around the same concept as my photos, so we will see how it pans out. I did try my hand at directing some of the scenes for a short 5 minute film that we shot in North London last week. So once this film is available I will post the link on here. I met some lovely people during my two days, and hopefully picked up some useful tips on story-boarding, directing and shooting. Stanley Kubrick, watch yer back !

Cheerio for now! 

Melancholy and all that rubbish...

Hello There!

I can see how this blog has gone from a tale of my journey over the last 6 months, from Italy to Sint Maarten and back to London. As in life, this journey took a strange and rather unpleasant turn, and I'm in danger of this blog becoming a diary of my emotional journey over and above anything else. Hopefully this will be short-lived and I'll be back to my sarcastic self in no time, it won't be all doom and gloom, so hang in there with me...

I don't keep a diary, although I met a photographer friend for dinner last Sunday who showed me his book filled with notes and interesting drawings and some random thoughts and observations from everyday life. Unfortunately my nosy side wasn't satiated, as his scribblings were all in Italian, and I can't read it at a 180 degree angle. It was a cross between my concept book and a diary, and I thought that this could be a fantastic idea worth stealing. For now however, this is my only written outlet, and although I have battled about how frank I can be on a blog, considering it is not private. I've decided that I'm going to keep it updated.  It may not be a pleasant ride, or an easy read at times, so I suggest that you bring your own sick-bags if you wish to read any further, I can't afford to provide you with these.

I'm going to cut to the chase, but if you haven't realised this already, the last 6 months was difficult; very difficult. I chose to give up my flat, my job, and inevitably ended up destroying the relationship with my boyfriend of just under two years. I made those choices of course (with the exception of the relationship, in my heart of hearts I ended up throwing something away that I now regret). I have no-one else to blame of course, and you have to live with your choices and the consequences of your actions and words.

I believe that there is a positive to every experience, no matter how traumatic or painful. Right now, I can say that if I hadn't of left for Italy, I would have regretted it. It was something I had always wanted to do, and I think you tend to regret the things that you don't ever try. Another positive is that I met some lovely people, and made a couple of lovely friends. One of which is coming over to visit in the next few weeks, and I managed to convince the other guy to come and live in London for a while (god, he is probably going to resent me for this). However, above all, I realised a few things:

THE MISSING ELEMENT - HOME

First of all, I understand that I acted selfishly in leaving my boyfriend in London for this time, and with an expectation that our relationship would not be affected. I considered myself very lucky to have a guy who was so supportive of letting me go and follow my dream, and the thing is, I was; very lucky. The thing with me, is that I've always been in search of that missing element in my life-the place where I belong. The problem is, is that I had no idea exactly where that is, and unfortunately, I think this is half my problem. 

In danger of using a cheesy metaphor, I realised that I've always been that girl who is standing at the cross-roads, wanting to go somewhere where I will feel at home. However, as I like to make things difficult for myself, not having a good idea of where that place is only proves to make my life journey very long, sometimes fruitless, sometimes painful and in danger of becoming arduous. It seems that I'm a bit of a perpetual floater, so don't try and flush me down...

The only thing I do know, is that I have not yet found that home. Maybe I should take the advice of Judy Garland, purchase a pair of red glittery shoes, snap my heels together and BANG, I've found myself a place I can call home. So in summary, and in the words of Bono, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for"....

THE BROKEN HEART

I've only suffered from a broken heart twice in my life, this being the second time. I've only suffered with depression twice in my life, this being the second time also. Of course, for the former, this won't be the last. For the latter, I hope that I never have to go through this again; it's my nemesis, my Darth Vader and that hoodie-wearing rascal is trying to kill me, but I will defeat him. I'm going to beat it round the chops with a wet fish, the support of some amazing friends and of course, with a handful of mood-lifting antidepressants that I will throw into his eyes...

With regards to the broken heart, it never gets easier, no matter how many times you have been through it, not for me at least. I'm not entirely sure whether it is easier if you have been the one that was dumped, or it is actually harder if you are the one that made the decision, and then lived to regret it when it is too late. Either way, I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. They say "it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all". At this very moment, I'm not entirely sure if I agree with that.

The thing is, if you love someone, 'moving on' is easy in words, but a darn sight harder on paper. Even when the other person has quickly found happiness in the arms of someone else (as has happened in my case), it's hard not to question whether that person really loved or respected you that much in the first place. Despite this, I can still say that I love and care very much for my ex. I want him to be happy, he may not be aware of it, but he means a lot to me, and I miss him terribly. Unfortunately, I wasn't very good at telling him this in the first place, maybe this is a legacy of being bloody English, so understandably, he has no reason to care about that now. A case of too little too late..

DOGS AND CATS

I know that men and women are very different, like cats and dogs; dogs being men of course. However I'm a dog-lover though and through, which means that I am in for a bumpy ride.

It is true that after a break-up women spend a good month crying, talking a lot with their friends, going round and round in circles, trying to analyse the situation, and often not getting any answers. We go from feeling low, to feeling angry, and then hopefully out the other side with a George Clooney on your arm (or whatever your poison is of course). It's a round the world trip without frills or thrills. There are no bungie-jumps on this trip, no swimming with dolphins and you are certainly not going to have an amazing tan that you can show off to your friends. But, it is a trip that you have to take, armed with the hope that you will come out of it the other side stronger.

Generally, the thought of dating someone else within the next few months is as appealing as eating an egg sandwich after you have just thrown up after a heaving night of drinking. Sex with someone else can also be a bit pointless. Yes, I tried it, and no, it didn't make me feel any better. Although I understand that everyone is different, I can't tar us all with the same brush! Generally, we find it difficult to get distracted by other men during this time, that is not how we succeed in moving on, not initially at least. Most men however, tend to be different. 

I think the most frustrating thing for many of us, is that after a break up, men seem to deal with it so much better and seem to move onto someone pretty quickly; or at least quicker than we do. I'm in awe of men in that they have this capability to effectively put the failed relationship in a box*, store it away, and look for the next one.

 (*for those men that literally put their whole ex-girlfriend in a box, I'll have another blog entry dedicated solely for you, don't worry, it will be under the title of 'Psychopaths').

 The more 'Pro-active' of those seem to have the added forsight of seeing that a relationship is likely to end, and so start to sow the seeds of starting a new relationship with another viable candidate. Like a monkey hanging on to two branches. In this way, they can have a seemless transition from one break-up to the start of something exciting and fresh with someone else. I hate to say it, but I do envy this trait, and I wish that I could inherit it. I would even pay at a discounted rate of course! Any offers? Maybe I could find a hand-me-down on eBay?

FRIENDS

So, for me right now, I am grateful for one thing. I have amazing friends. I want to shout that from the rooftops, maybe I should use good old social networking for this ! I can change my relationship status from 'single' to 'I have amazing friends'. Just an idea...

At this very moment, as I'm writing this sitting in my local Starbucks in Liverpool street, I have leaky watery eyes, a look that is 'SO HOT RIGHT NOW', although to be honest red eyes don't suit me, they clash with my lips. However for the first time this week, these tears are tears of gratitude, not just sadness. I dedicate this post to the following people who have tried tirelessly to hold me up over the past couple of months, and especially over the last week since I fell into the horrible dirty ditch. I love you lots, and I don't think you have any idea how you have saved me. You are true friends, and your daily little texts and calls mean a lot to me.:

Nicola, Kate E and Sarah D, Kate, Stephen, Al and of course, my lovely friend in Bologna, FA.

INTRODUCING 'MISS BUNNY'

Now, I don't want my blog to become too serious of course despite my current state of mind, so on a final note, I'm going to try and leave it on a high. Last week I had my first try of wearing a gimp mask, and for those who are friends with me on Facebook, you will have seen this already. The great thing about the gimp mask, is that you automatically take on a different personality. For me, this alternate personality manifested itself in the form of ''Miss Bunny' with a posh English accent and an air of naughtiness. The only problem was that without a mouth piece, it was very difficult to drink my rum and coke...well you can't have everything I suppose..

 

xxxx

Oyster soup...

So last night was a full-moon, and I spent the evening on the beach, sharing a bottle of wine and enjoying the culinary delights courtesy of Yvonne. Full moons represent new beginnings, new journeys which I think is very apt considering in a few days I will be beginning my life back in London again. I also took the opportunity to have a few private words with the sea (yes I do talk to the sea, slightly crazy you may say, but she is a good listener), so I hope she took my questions and requests on board! 

One thing that I really wanted to do here was to meet and hang out with actual locals, as it seems all to easy to live here and only get to meet ex-pats and holiday makers. However last night I had the opportunity. Armed with a glass of red wine, Yvonne and I made our way down the beach to gatecrash a bonfire party and eat a local delicacy called Oyster Soup, drink a few (too many) cognac cocktails - caribbean strength and meet some really cool guys. Of course this morning greeted me with a case of dehydration, predictably! But I can safely say that that was one of the best nights that I have had since I've been here! 

So I'm aware that there hasn't been any photographic evidence that I was actually here. Anyone who knows me understands that I prefer to be behind the camera rather than in front of it, so if anyone manages to capture a photo of me they should consider themselves very lucky (or unlucky depending on which way you look at it). However one unlucky blighter stole a cheeky photo of me the other night whilst I was enjoying expresso martinis with a couple of friends at the bar, and it ended up in the local paper. Of course I can't remember this photo being taken, but before you pass judgements, this does not mean I was too drunk. It has more to do with my incredibly bad memory. Well that is my excuse and I'm sticking to it..

I'd like to add that despite the caption at the bottom of the photo (cute couples), none of us are in fact 'a couple', it's amazing what people assume!

Yesterday I spent the day editing my first ever 1 minute-film. OK, so it's not a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination, but it was good to learn the editing process and to see where I went wrong, and what I could improve. I'll upload this 'behind the scenes' film in the next few weeks so we can watch and laugh together...

Anyway, bye bye for now!

xx

Maho beach at sunset (photo)

In the quest to find the perfect sunset, we found ourselves at Maho beach. Unfortunately there were too many clouds for this elusive 'perfect sunset', however the sight was pretty spectacular all the same.....

Cheerio for now..

Samantha x
www.samanthaeyers.com

Reflection...

As an only child, I've always been used to entertaining myself, and as a result, I'm very comfortable in my own company; too comfortable in fact. Don't get me wrong, I'm a very sociable person, I love to be around people, but I know that I need at least 1 hour a day where I have my own space. That space doesn't have to very big, in fact it can be the size of a broom cupboard, as long as I'm the only one in it for that 1 hour, I'm all good.*

*This extends to cockroaches and mosquitos of course, they are not allowed to enter my broom cupboard for .....ETERNITY!

 However, what I have realised is that there seems to be a very narrow time window between benefiting from having my own space, to driving myself a little bit crazy.

I know that in previous posts, I have eluded to the fact that I spent too much time on my own in Italy. At the time, I knew that this was not having the most positive affect on my life, but it wasn't until I came to Sint Maarten, that I have realised how much of an effect this time alone actually had and is still having. I often think that it is difficult to be truly introspective, and to have an accurate idea of any effects until you gain an objective view from an outside party. Now my boyfriend at the time had expressed that he thought that I was depressed, and at the time, I couldn't recognise this; not in the slightest. The symptoms of what I was feeling seemed very different to any low periods that I had experienced in my life before. I didn't have any trouble sleeping (apart from my very self-publicised battle with the dreaded heat and odd mosquito) nor did I have issues getting out of bed, which is always another sign that I am aware of....

 However, I have noticed one thing. Photography is something I'm passionate about. Thinking about concepts, the shoot process and the post-processing is something that makes me so happy, I can't explain it. I've not found anything else in my life that gives such satisfaction and joy (apart from the obvious of course, love etc), so when I find that I don't feel compelled to pick up my beloved camera, I don't feel inspired to think about concepts or to go and take photos; I know that something is up! Some people could call it photoblock!

 During my time in Italy and Sint Maarten, I have taken very few photos, very few, I would go so far as to say "ridiculously few", but then I'm also prone to a bit of exaggeration as you are probably already aware of. However, I think one of the most accurate views comes from someone who knew you from before. One of my good friends last week told me that when she came to visit me in Italy, she had noticed that apart from losing a lot of weight (yes I was living in Italy and yes I did lose weight, how is this possible I hear you cry!), I was "not myself' and didn't seem totally happy. As we all know, when you are in that frame of mind, you don't make great decisions, in fact you can make downright awful ones, based on a rather skewed mind. Things that seem like important things at the time, you begin to realise, really aren't.

I have 7 days now until I return to London. The first week here in Sint Maarten I learned a lot about magazine shoots, putting together quotes, negotiating with the client and how to hold a tripod successfully whilst standing in a swimming pool. The last 3 weeks I have spent reading a lot about photography and teaching myself a lot on photoshop and post-processing. I really have read so much during this time, that I now have big square eyes...a very attractive look.

 However, this time has also confirmed for me a number of things, and I finally can say that I know what things and which people are important to me and those that aren't. This realisation only took 38 years!! So, I'm going to be returning to London with a suitcase and a head full of ideas and goals. I really do hope that Air France don't lose my luggage again, but at least the ideas and goals are placed firmly in my head, so the only person to blame for losing my head will be me...

So, with all experiences in life, you have to take home at least one thing, but as I'm the queen of overkill, I've provided a short list of the things I have learnt over the past 6 months, in order of importance:

a) For me, too much time on your own is not a good thing unless you wish to flirt with the experience of having a crazy mind. Always dangerous if you already are a bit nuts (some call it creative, but to me it often comes hand in hand)

b) As friendly as you are, and not matter how easily you make friends, mosquitos will never be your friend. Accept it, and move on..

c) If its 40 degree outside , you are going to sweat, looking sexy and attractive is not an option. Accept it, and again, move on...

d) Often the people that you have only known for 5 minutes can have more of an impact on your life than those you have know for 5 years. People will continue to surprise you.

e) As good as it is to be spontaneous in many things in life, grab life by it's hairy balls, experience as much as you can, and take a chance. There are some things that require more time and consideration, so you won't lose anything by testing the water with your big hairy toe first, before throwing your body in the deep end.

f) Nobody's perfect, at least of all me. Focus on the positives of others, and try not to pay too much attention to their negatives. Note: If you possess a mental tickbox of your requirements in another person, throw it away. No-one will tick all of those boxes, believe me!

g) I hate mosquitos...(maybe this one should be at the top of the list)

Good day for now!

Big love to all xxxx

The search for Happy Bay..(photos)

Hello!

Here are some photos that I wanted to share with you of my trip around Sint Maarten today with my friend Yvonne.

Whilst taking lunch on the French side of the island, we had a fantastic view of these local children enjoying the sea.

Not bad eh....?

Whilst taking a break from the heat with an ice-cold orange juice besides the marina, this little fella came to join us and patrol the area...

Late afternoon, in our quest to find 'Happy Bay', we took a swim in the sea. I don't know what was in the water, but I felt at home swimming here; a respite from any worries or pain, as if the sea truly understood me....

A short drive later, after picking up a few drinks, we sat on Baie Rogue to watch the sunset. We were a little late to see the sun setting, but the colours were amazing. The scene looked like a watercolour painting. We sat here until the sand flies and mosquitos started to attack us with a vengeance..

So, for now it is a goodnight from me..lots of love xx

www.samanthaeyers.com